I have a lot of ideas for drawings, but I worry sometimes if posting them all is a good idea. I have some strange interests, and I don't wanna like, alienate anyone. I suppose keeping some things for myself is ok too. But I wonder what people actually want to see from me.

I also write sometimes. I've been told I'm good with words and expressing feeling, but I dunno, it never feels like it to me. You know what, I should get that zine done. this month for sure.

I posted 4 drawings for today! I'm kind of anxious about it, but I did it anyway. Maybe something good will happen.

In order of creation:

Cat Pico

Paranoid Psychosis

Alien Hominid Collab Piece

Shooting Star

One is for a collab piece! I should totally do things like that more often.

I'm really happy with the most recent one in particular.

ok i briefly came back last week, I'm sure you know why :P

anyway. i'm going to be... logged in. probably won't interact much but i'll be here... i drew a decent amount this month but now i have an art block. I still have plenty of ideas but I just... can't draw right now. i can't do much of anything right now. I haven't had the best month, it was a bit better than last month, but not good.

so, hi.

I'm wondering by the way, what kept you following me? What do you like about me? I'm curious.

I'm feeling really bad again. I'm also busy, so I need to not be here for a while. Take some time for myself to do non-internet things. I'll be semi-back by May 1st, when I'll post the art I created for that day.

If you have something important you feel I must know please send it in DM. That's the only way I'm going to see it.

I nearly fell unconscious at work today. You know, I was just working normally, feeling hungry because I didn't eat breakfast as usual and feeling hot because I didn't think it would actually be warm today. Then suddenly my stomach and abdomen begin hurting more than usual (on the "period" again). Then I can barely stand, I feel dizzy and the world starts spinning, my ears are ringing, I can barely think enough to speak.

It happened today so I still remember it pretty clear. I really wanted to lay down badly, being upright at all was really uncomfortable so I was put to lay on the floor until the paramedics came. Everything looked blurry, slightly blue, maybe a bit pixel if that makes sense. My ears were ringing but I still heard people talking to me, and I still hear music in my head.

The paramedics came and took my vitals and such, didn't find anything wrong with that. My dad came to pick me up from work, and I ate when I got home.

Now my dad is worried about me and he wants to talk about my physical and mental health. So, I guess the years of not eating or exercising regularly are catching up to me. I'm too weak to open a can of tuna. It makes me want to cry that I made someone that concerned about me.

Ever since then I feel that same empty blue grey feeling I have pretty often. The kind that makes it hard to feel emotion, and everything feels far off and blurry.

That's it, I don't know how to end this.

I have 20 people, whom have shown genuine interest in me at one point, and who are all 18 and over, I'm pretty sure.

Thank you very much. As weird as my art nay be, it is personal to me, it's in a way an expression of myself and my mind. Putting myself out there is very difficult. I'm really glad that you guys are interested.

I've had a lot of bad days this year, and most recently yesterday was hard, for a lot of reasons. But I still have some hope that things will be better later.

Unfortunately, I didn't finish Shifting Gardens, but I did make good progress on it. It's mostly planned out by now, so hoping that school doesn't get so much in the way I should be able to finish it in April.

There's also something else I might try to do for Pico Day, involving Macromedia Flash 8 and coding. I might need some help with it though.

I created and uploaded a lot more art than I thought I would this month, considering my... mood. I guess misery is my muse. :/

Also.

Goodbye Mario, Rest in Pastrami (╯︵╰,)

see you at golf in june

I don't know how people can boast this website as having a great community with the BBS the way it is.

I mean, just for an example. The way people talk about furries on there. We're really going off on people for making "weird" or "gross" content, sexual or not, when this website has had a lot of even weirder and definitely "gross" stuff, sexual or not, for over 2 decades? What, is all that somehow more "normal"? They also can't seem to grasp that drawing and/or being attracted to anthros is not the same as being a furry. Plenty people who do that don't want to be in that fandom.

Like, you can't be a welcoming community, or expect it to grow and get more support, and be like that. You just can't. It's really sad. Especially when a lot of these people are using this website. It feels very othering and I'm not even in that fandom. I'm not convinced it's some kind of joke either; feels meanspirited.

Every month, I have "the period". Yeah, you know which one.

Except over the years it's slowly gotten worse for me. The hormones ramp up my emotions to sometimes dangerous levels, and I end up feeling even more anxious and depressed than I already do. Some of the symptoms I have get worse. And, you know, I really don't need more of that, yeah?

I do or say things to the extreme, and then look back and just feel awkward and sad about it later. I have a bit of a concern that I'll end up doing something irreversible in these periods (as a mundane example, getting myself into a stupid argument online).

I don't know a ton of people who have issues like this. I mean, I know the period makes people more emotional in general, but I wonder if anyone else with my conditions is affected in the same way as me.

About my last news post? Yes, I think it was somewhat of a product of the above.

Well, I am still kind of sad I don't get much interaction here, but I said in November I didn't want posting my art to be all about numbers... and, some people have shown interest in me, which I am grateful for all the same. I also do still think I should find real life outlets for sharing my art though. Or at the very least a more focused online community, or something.

I have made more art since the 3 days I made that news post. I'm still not finished with the zine, but it's getting there. I'll post a sneak peak of one of the pieces in it later. I finished my Smash Banner collaboration piece, though I don't know if it was accepted or not. And I now have 2 pieces finished to be posted on May 1st. ᵗʰᵉʸ ᵃʳᵉ ᶦⁿ ᵐʸ ᶠᶦˡᵉ ᵈᵘᵐᵖ ᵃˡᵒⁿᵍ ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵈᵉˢᶜʳᶦᵖᵗᶦᵒⁿˢ ᶦᶠ ᵃⁿʸᵒⁿᵉ ᶦˢ ˢᵘᵖᵉʳ ᶜᵘʳᶦᵒᵘˢ Besides those I have some experimental things and other things for fun to make.

I reinstated about half of my gallery, mostly removing stuff that barely has views, and keeping things like my background and adult art, and other stuff I'm generally proud of. Don't know if I'll ever bring the rest back, to be honest.

Lastly, I want to thank @Positron832 and @SussyBagel for the kind and helpful words they sent me. It helps me a lot, genuinely.

About my last last news post? Under Judgement is still huge. I thought since the latest animation jam finished, it might slow down a bit and people might start looking at the stuff unrelated to it. But, looks like there are a ton of late entries... I might have to go through the entire thing again. And I haven't even checked out games in a while. *scared*

I did notice my blam and save points increase over the past few days I did that though. And I've been upgraded to Portal Security. Pretty cool.

Thanks for reading this entire thing, if you did.

This month I should be done with my zine, which will be posted on itch.io.

I also have a piece for a collaboration to finish, also should be done by this month.

I have 1 piece planned to be posted on May 1st. If I remember to.

After that, I think I'm done. I just don't get that same enjoyment of posting online that I used to even 1 year ago. It's just not worth it anymore, when I get so little interaction. And it just does nothing for me regardless. I need to find real life outlets for this.

I've deleted practically everything. Apparently art can't be permanently deleted, so I guess it's technically still there. Oh well.