I guess it wasn't really a direct, just more news on the next 2 games. Since my friends and I are the only ones actually happy about these games I thought I would share my thoughts into the void.

BDSP

Well I wasn't expecting a ton of changes, since it's a remake and all. The thing that made me the most excited was being able to bring more Pokemon into Amity Square! I do wish they showed off Super Contests since they mentiones a new poffon making feature. Also it would be nice if I could transfer my Pokemon from Platinum into BDSP and get them more ribbons.

Legends Arceus

I was most intrigued by what looked like a Basculin in the trailer. But much bigger. As well as the white more fluffy Stantler and Braviary with glowing feathers. Older versions of Pokémon! I hope that's what is it at least.

I also wasn't expecting any new Pokémon. Now i'm wondering what happens to them in the future. I wonder if their existence could be tied into BDSP. And the fact that you can interact with them without using your own Pokémon, which hasn't really happened in these games before. I wonder what's in that sack they threw at Kleavor.

A couple of questions I had after watching. Are Hisui and Sinnoh the same region? They both have a Jubilife. Though I suppose it's not unvommon for things like that to happen.

Also, you can take photos in that village that appear to be in color. Which would date this game around the 1890's, if this is a new thing. Then again the progression of technology could have taken a different turn from our world. I hope that gets elaborated on, or at least we get a time frame for this game.

I would like to talk about FEH Book 5 next, as well as Ice and Flame and the last Forging Bonds conversation. But I'll wait until those are finished, in like a couple months... 2 chapters left. I've already got some THOUGHTS man.

It was okay.

I must say, very nicely animated. Really pretty to look at. Though I prefer the older horse like look of G3 ponies, the more human like faces work for 3D.

I hope that future shorts/shows/comics/movies go into some world building. Like, why did the 3 races separate in the first place? Where are Twilight and the sisters? Who's raising the sun and moon? If the ponies weren't in harmony with each other, they probably aren't in harmony with any other race, what happened to them? How did the adventures of the Mane Six become just legend anyway? Were they not documented?

Also, I was glad to see their technology advance to having phones and screens, though it seems like they never got motorized vehicles like cars or planes. Would have thought non Pegasus ponies would try and figure out a way to do that, maybe like a way to spite them or something? Maybe they didn't feel the need to make vehicles for traveling long distances.

Tomorrow, I'll talk about the Pokemon Direct!

Why yes I did buy Supporter just to change my username. It means something.

I also changed my icon and banner.

Just got kind of tired of the old ones.

Well, I started ripping my fingers again.

It's something I've done my whole life. Only recently did I start using sharp objects.

Just picking at hangnails until I tear off my skin and it bleeds.

My fingers look absolutely destroyed when I decide I'm done. Honestly I'm surprised there aren't any scars.

I would usually stop when it gets too painful, but this time is different.

This time I was seeking pain. I was trying to make myself feel hurt so I would feel something other than frustration or numb. It worked! I was actually fully aware of myself for once, if only because I was forced to be careful not to further damage the wound.

Now I wonder about making the wound bigger. Like, what would it look like if I could tear a hangnail all the way down to my arm? it would probably hurt for days. But I think at some point the skin is just too attached to the muscle to go that far, without stronger force. Honestly, if anything could pull it that far I'd probably cry.

But again, it would be a different feeling than anger or nothing.

Lately, my dreams have been more vivid. Having more solid imagery and sound. Even still, I can't recall any of them after the fact, and they leave my mind soon after I wake up. (only to be replaced by intrusive thoughts)

I think many of them are just bizarre, sad realities, or oddly specific horror of some sort.

This is the first one in a while I can remember. It is violent.

I had a dream about a pokemon torture/gore simulator. You chose a method of death and then click 3 times to commence it, each time would lead to a "stage" of the torture happening.

Then the 4th click would be a short animation of the ending where they are finally dead. It was a pixel game in the style of gen 4.

I think the game had characters kind of, but not really. The "narrative" was that they were sending in pokemon to kill because they didn't like them anymore. Or maybe they like them too much.

I remember there was a rant in game about Pikachu deserving to die because of how bad its stats are.

The game was getting updates and started featuring fakemon, before being canceled after the creator retired. The game might have been on itch.io or newgrounds.

Shifting Gardens is finally out.

Here's the link: https://whitecheddarkasai.itch.io/shifting-gardens

It is free, but donations are appreciated. It took me a while to make it, mainly due to a lack of motivation. I'll put my proof of concepts back up just to show my process a little.

This is a fanzine of artwork and text featuring grass-type Pokemon in various perilous situations. Not all of them will necessarily feature gore, but a theme in all of them is some sort of body modification/desecration. It contains some violence, particularly towards the end.

Other news:

I've been putting all my adult art/fanfiction onto a private account on Pillowfort. Mainly because, despite asking them not to, people under 18 kept following me. Blocking on this website only goes one way, and there is no user blocking feature on Archive of our Own yet. Pillow lets me have posts viewable only to followers, so there's more control there. That's where that art will go from now on.

As for the rest, I still don't really feel like putting it back. I've still been drawing because it's cathartic, just not posting it anywhere. If I do, it'll probably be collab stuff or the proof of concepts as I mentioned.

I think it's just better for my mental health at this point. I've made progress in getting help, but it's very slow and kind of confusing. (thanks USA) I'm still available to talk to, I haven't actually logged out because I play games so I'll see notifications.

I somehow gained 2 followers in the past 5 days.

That I wasn't posting anything. And had 4 pieces in my art gallery.

I'm serious this time, I want to know why 31 people follow me. What have I done to deserve this?

Anyway, I ended up partially scrubbing my AO3 account as well, though that's for a more specific reason. I will repost the written work to adultfanfiction.org, because the minimum age requirement there is 18.

If anyone knows of an art site that also has that minimum age requirement, please tell me. Preferably not an image board.

No, I think I realized something about myself reading my last post in retrospect. I'm probably going to have the same revelation until the end of time, and just keep cycling through this over and over.

But right now, with the state of mind I'm in, I don't feel like having most of my gallery visible. And I don't feel like looking at my feed anymore. It's starting to become 2016 all over again. I'm only leaving collaboration pieces up here.

Just here. Don't know what it is about here specifically cause I'm not doing this anywhere else.. I still don't know a lot about myself. Maybe I will return when I do, maybe not. Maybe I'll end up regretting this in a month, I don't know. I say this a lot. I say that a lot.

I'm not going to post any art here for a while. I just don't really feel like it. I might post art somewhere else for a bit. But right now, I'm just not feeling it here, so, yeah. I don't think anyone will really care or notice though. I think the things I draw are very alienating and/or niche.

Also, looking at my feed lately has made me anxious. I'm probably afraid of disappointing somebody.

I am happy with my artwork now, I feel like it's something unique to me. Nothing else really looks like my art. That really should be enough, but the fact that I'm posting it online... is kind of evidence that it's not? Maybe? I don't know how to feel anymore.

When I finish something I get this kind of excitement about sharing it to other people, winders about what others will say. Even though I don't get much feedback and for all I know nobody is really looking... and there's always the fear of being ostracized. It's so weird, like I want feedback but I don't want a fanbase or popularity... I don't understand what it is I'm really looking to get out of it. I know what I get out of drawing but I don't know what I get out of sharing it. I guess that need and excitement is a hold over from my teenage years.

It is a confusing mess of contradiction. It seems like everyone else has it figured out. And when that's the case (from my perspective) I feel silly talking about it. It's not like anyone is going to give me answers. Maybe there are none.

I don't know where I am going with this. It's 3 in the morning. I'm a lonely, autistic, barely functioning adult. Anxious highs, depressive lows. I can't sleep. I haven't even been drawing much recently. Everything I type is probably just word soup.

Well, goodnight. I don't have much else to say right now. That's coherent, anyway.