Well, I started ripping my fingers again.
It's something I've done my whole life. Only recently did I start using sharp objects.
Just picking at hangnails until I tear off my skin and it bleeds.
My fingers look absolutely destroyed when I decide I'm done. Honestly I'm surprised there aren't any scars.
I would usually stop when it gets too painful, but this time is different.
This time I was seeking pain. I was trying to make myself feel hurt so I would feel something other than frustration or numb. It worked! I was actually fully aware of myself for once, if only because I was forced to be careful not to further damage the wound.
Now I wonder about making the wound bigger. Like, what would it look like if I could tear a hangnail all the way down to my arm? it would probably hurt for days. But I think at some point the skin is just too attached to the muscle to go that far, without stronger force. Honestly, if anything could pull it that far I'd probably cry.
But again, it would be a different feeling than anger or nothing.